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Ewan

Posted on August 3, 2012 by Comingout coil

www.comingout.co.il
Actually, when I was 7, I always wanted
to dress like a boy, wanted to do things like a boy

In Fact I did everything like a boy would do
Keep praying to God, asking him what is that little thing?
Why did you put that little thing down there for me?

And when I was about 13 or 14 years old, I thought maybe it’s just a phase that I am going through
But things didn’t really changed and I kept Fantasising of becoming a boy
I just felt I was in the wrong body
When I reached that age, I kind of realized that it’s too late, even now to go and tell to my parents
Even to discuss it with my sisters or anyone in India.
I just lived in the closet all these years
I just hiding myself, protecting myself not wanting to lose my friend or my family
I was actually living in a slip personality When I was alone I wopuld be the person that I am
And when I was with family or friends I was pretending I am a straight woman, I have no problem

When I disclosed my family they gave me the ultimatum that is or this way or that way
If you’re going for the change then you are dead for us
We have nothing to do with you we don’t know who you are
That’s fine but you know I need to get my happiness I need to have the freedom
I can’t be feeling trapped always in this wrong body I just can’t being trapped
My mind, everything thinks and wants and does everything like a man
It’s torture basically,
It frustrated you.
I can not keep hiding myself in the closet. I need to come out because I am dommaging myself
And I was damaging my son because all my frustration/depression is coming out on him.
I also tried to kill myself during that time as well
But behind all of this, my husband kind of stood there and told me “don’t give up, there is always hope”

I kept trying to adjust myself to the society because in India, it’s just impossible to live freely.
They still have to change a lot, the laws have to change
-Is there a law against homosexuality in India? -Yes!
In terms of offices or accepting the gay people
Specially a Trans, there are a LOTS of problem in India
You are asked to live your job and specialy if he is or she is going through a transition
It’s I think being easier for a gay or a lesbian or a bisexual person
to go out and get job. They wouldn’t be arrest that much
But in the recent 5 years, things are changing in India. There are having a lot of gay parades
They are people fighting for the gay rights

Now you are with your son and your husband in the Caribbean?
-Yes I am!
I ran away because I wanted my freedom
Just before I could decide to tell my parents I told my son just giving him slight-hands
Recently I started talking to him and telling him about myself
And he was very upset,I am constantly telling him
that everyone has different feelings or they feel different for people
So finally he has come to the terms and he told me that at the end you are my mother and it’s your life
And it’s who you want to be And I will love you although it does hurt me a lot
I was just living in that fear of hurting him
and in any manner I didn’t want to
because he is my boy, he is my everything
-How old is he? – He is 12
Very recently when he heard it from someone else,
he came back home and said “I hate you guys, I hate everything”
and I had to calm him down and his dad also had to speak to him
and calm him down and told him he need to understand
I do give a lot of credit to my son’s father because he has always pushed me forward
And said that you would have to live your life as you want and you will achieve what you want and I will help you to do that and if we have to do this sacrifice to come here you should start living the way you feel.

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